The most dangerous game

I want to┬áplay a game. It’s a scavenger hunt.

First, I want you to find me something to do with paper. But it has to be something special to me. To us. And I can’t already have it.

Next, I want you to find me something to do with cotton. Once again, it has to be meaningful. I’ll give you a whole year to find it.

We will do this every year, each year with a bizarre new requirement. Continue reading

It’s time to end the tyranny of the thermometer

I was laying on the couch feeling terrible. My head throbbed, my sinuses felt like someone had shoved inside them a water balloon on the point of bursting, and everything just generally ached.

In short, I was sick and had a fever. My caring wife felt my forehead and said I felt warm, so she brought out a thermometer to see how bad it was.

That’s when everything went wrong. Continue reading

Here there be dragons

For some, when they figure out who they want to lead their country, they ask themselves which candidate seems more like a regular guy or gal, someone they could see themselves comfortably have a drink with.

Smarter people take the question further, and ask what one New Zealander asked of his prime minister: are you a regular guy, or a shape-shifting reptile bent on driving humanity toward enslavement?

Prime Minister John Key responded, saying he went to both a doctor and a veterinarian to make sure, and the answer came back that he was not.

Now it’s Obama’s turn.

Continue reading

The RoboProgram: it’s happening!

Faced with veterans suffering from traumatic brain injuries, the Pentagon is looking into ways to help them recover memories.

Along with another defense project, it’s clear what the military is doing: they’re working to create RoboCop.

Or RoboSoldier, I guess.

Continue reading

The War on Germs

Ever since the germ theory of illness was confirmed, man has been trying to eradicate the pesky buggers. One of the ways us common folk have tried to fight germs is through the use of antibacterial soap.

Science for years has tried to take this weapon out of the plebe’s hands by saying it creates superbacteria that are resistant to the antibacterial properties. They also say it kills the good germs that live on our skin, making room for bad germs, and that it is no more effective than regular soap and water. They even have the audacity to claim that it doesn’t prevent people from getting sick, since most illnesses are caused by viruses (virii?), which antibacterial soaps don’t affect.

That hasn’t been working. About half all liquid and bar soaps sold in the United States have some sort of germicidal agent. The most common chemical dedicated to killing germs in soaps is triclosan, and Big Science has latched onto that in their latest attack on those outside their ivory tower. Continue reading

The Religion Wars

Major religions are constantly at odds with one another. Each of them say they are the only ones who are right, with serious metaphysical implications for those who are not part of their religion. When they look for new members, it’s more than a business pursuing new customers; it’s a fight for everyone’s very soul.

Christianity, in its various forms, has long been the most evangelical, searching for new converts in a fervent desire to grow their ranks and save people from Hell. But now it’s their ancestors, the Jews, who are making serious inroads when it comes to finding new members, and they’re doing it in what has long been a base of Christian conversion: prisons. Continue reading

Lost and Found

Let’s check in with our friends over at Finding Bigfoot.

Note: Not actually our friends.

Note: Not actually our friends.

For those of you unaware of these intrepid explorers, Finding Bigfoot is a show on, of all stations, Animal Planet. It follows the four people shown above as they investigate Bigfoot sightings and try to, as the title suggests, find him.

The group, members of the Bifgoot Field Researchers Organization, has been in existence since 1995 while the show has been on the air continuously since 2011. Which means, among other things, that the organization dedicated to researching Bigfoot in the field was able to financially support itself for 15 years. Continue reading

His Story

Do you know anyone named Victor? Chances are you don’t. If you do, chances are very good he’s a terrible writer.

How do I know this? How have a I peeled away the veils of your life to see the hidden truth about your friendship, or lack thereof, with people named Victor?

Simple. Once again, I know the truth so few do. Continue reading

The Planet’s Greatest Villain

On February 15, 2013, a meteorite slammed through the atmosphere and nearly destroyed a good portion of Russia.

An asteroid much larger than that passed close to Earth the next day.

In case you’re unfamiliar, here are the differences between the most frequently used terms for large hunks of rock hurtling through space, as explained by the talking dinosaur pals of Dinosaur Comics.

Aside from teaching us that every car in Russia apparently has a camera mounted on it (and that Russians are apparently nonchalant about the signs from Revelation, probably due to the Soviet regime’s practice of banning religion), we learned another very important lesson from this event: NASA is preparing to kill us all. Continue reading