It’s finally over!
This election was the most contentious most of us have ever lived through. Tempers ran high, arguments were everywhere, and hate flowed freely.
But now we can put that behind us. There will be embers of vitriol here and there, but it’s time to move on.
It’s time to focus on things that deserve our hate.
It’s time to hate penguins.
Penguins have inexplicably become beloved. They’re Instagrammed at zoos, turned into collectibles, and were even featured in big-budget movies.
The genesis of this outrageous popularity is documentaries. Any time a film crew goes to the Antarctic, they have no choice but to show penguins. There isn’t anything else there.
That scarcity of other life to show is the only reasonable explanation for why the most useless birds on the planet get so much screen time.
What makes them so worthless? Let’s break it down with science.
1. They can’t fly
They’re birds, and the coolest part about birds is that they can fly. They can take to the air and soar above the rest of us!
Penguins looked at that and said, “Nah, not for us.” But rather than still being badasses like emus and ostriches which can RUIN YOUR DAY WITH GIGANTIC TALONS, they chose to be like the kiwi birds. But rather than live in a paradise like kiwis, they live in the most inhospitable place on Earth.
2. They’re terrible on land too
They gave up on flight and chose to live on land. But they’re blundering idiots on land.
They fall over when walking all the time. They’re fat, with legs that are too short, and they can’t handle ice, even though that’s what they live on. Just a dumb, worthless creature.
3. They made a terrible tradeoff
The penguins made what seems like a reasonable trade. They live in an awful environment that routinely kills them and their eggs just based on it being Antarctica, and they’re safe from predators, because nothing else lives there.
But because nothing else lives there, they have to leave to find food. And that’s where the predators are!
They live in the most miserable place on Earth to get away from predators, and then go swimming right into the predators jaws.
They gave up flight so they could swim, but they can’t swim as fast or as ably as the things that want to eat them.
They are stupid bags of meat, and the things that eat them are happy for it.
4. They compound their shortcomings
Even though they’re water-based, are terrible trying to navigate land, and can’t fly, they still huddle up miles from the shoreline. That picture of them huddling together up there is half the population–the males watch over the eggs like that while the females go hunting.
That’s a mile or more away from the water. So both groups have to make insanely long treks that their stupid bodies are ill equipped to make. Because they are stupid, nonsense animals.
5. They are inescapable
Despite being terrible in every way, we are bombarded with images of them. There is no sign of it letting up any time soon. The toys and decorative patterns will still be there. The documentaries will still feature them. We will forever have the derpy, pointless, fail-birds thrust in our faces.