Previewing the 2016 Major League Baseball season: National League

Yesterday we predicted the American League and how every team there would fare over the course of the 2016 Major League Baseball season.

Today we conclude by previewing the National League.

For details on our scientific model and complex algorithm used to generate each team’s Power Points, see yesterday’s article. For now, on with the predictions!

We started in the east yesterday, so for balance, we’ll start in the west today.

National League West

1. San Francisco Giants – 99 Power Points

The Giants are easily the lowest-scoring division winner according to our model. This was a terrible place to start.


I could talk about these guys ALL DAY though.

2. Los Angeles Dodgers – 98 Power Points

The United States ended the draft in 1973. With nothing left to dodge, this team has no purpose.


Plus, this might be a thing? PASS.

3. San Diego Padres – 94 Power Points

Do you remember the last time the Padres were relevant? Haha, no you don’t.


San Diego is known mostly for a zoo and for whale anatomy these days.

T4. Arizona Diamondbacks – 81 Power Points

They have a tendency to give up way too much in terms of talented prospects to the Braves, so I like ’em.


Not to be confused with Diamondfaces.

T4. Colorado Rockies – 81 Power Points

Last week, the team president of the Rockies started asking people on the streets of Denver if they had any ideas about how to win at Coors Field. Some people said it stank of desperation, but I appreciated his unorthodox approach and hoping the wisdom of the masses would pay off. Let’s see if he takes my advice that they can be champions by giving free beer to the fans.


I thought the Rockies would be way more majestic in person. That John Denver was full of shit.

National League Central

1. Pittsburgh Pirates – 164 Power Points

Here it is, the most powerful team in our power points predictive model. On the downside, they employ John Jaso (on the left in the picture below). If they perform as well as we indicate, and Jaso plays a big part in that, he could influence thousands of children in the area. Pittsburgh must be stopped at all costs.


Which pirate wore it better?

2. Chicago Cubs – 120 Power Points

The Cubs have a talented young team full of phenoms looking to turn around their long history of losing. What could possibly go wrong?


What at all?

3. St. Louis Cardinals – 111 Power Points

We’re predicting the Cardinals will come in third in their division this year, but they’re also likely to retain the most important award of all.


It would really be nice if our sports department were here for this. Has anyone seen Steve, by the way? We’re starting to worry.

4. Cincinnati Reds – 100 Power Points

I can never remember how to spell “Cincinnati” without looking it up. It’s really annoying.


I think “Dead” is the most likely outcome when fighting that bear.

5. Milwaukee Brewers – 96 Power Points

Oh, and these guys are in the National League now? Did they just flip them with the Astros when no one was looking or something?


That dog got eaten.

National League East

1. Villanova Phillies – 115 Power Points

They’re a deep and talented team, but I don’t know if they have enough firepower to get past Kansas.


They have their work cut out for them!

2. New York Mets – 112 Power Points

Little-known fact: “Mets” is short for “Me too, Satan!” May their dark souls fail to claim us again this year.


They are no one’s favorite squadron.

3. Washington Nationals – 99 Power Points

Let’s just be glad they aren’t called the Redskins anymore.


Casual racism: not even once.

4. Atlanta Braves – 97 Power Points

They literally have a player named Adonis. He is literally named Adonis.



5. Miami Marlins – 91 Power Points

You remember in Poltergiest when it was discovered that the shady land developer was building his community on an Indian burial ground and he didn’t bother to move the bodies or do anything decent about it at all? For Marlins owner Jeff Loria, that’s just a normal Tuesday. Except he desecrates the graves first.


Pictured above: desecration.

So there you have it! The outlook for all 30 major league teams.

But who will be the champions of baseball? That’s simple.

World Series result: Pirates over Rangers

Enjoy the season, everybody!

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