With the 2016 MLB season starting soon, it’s time to prepare for what we’ll all witness: some baseball games.
But who will finish first? Who will finish first, but in a different division? That’s what SCS is here for.
We asked our ace Soft Core Sophistry baseball expert to come up with what you should expect from every team this season and rank them according to expected finish. Turns out he’s on vacation.
So we listed the teams in order based on an algorithm we just dreamed up that we feel should perfectly encapsulate the quality of each team. Below are the results.
American League East
1. Tampa Bay Rays – 130 Power Points
I’m from Florida. Tampa sucks. And if the movie Major League has taught me anything (and it has!) then the team should plan on losing in horrific fashion so their miserly owner moves them to a better location.
2. New York Yankees – 119 power points
The Yankees routinely spend small nations’ GDPs on old players who used to be great. Several of the ones on the team now I’m pretty sure are technically dead. But like they say on the Iron Islands, “What is dead may never die.” Expect the Yankees to lurch their way to contention again.
3. Toronto Blue Jays – 113 Power Points
I don’t know the conversion rate for Canadian power points to American. Also, blue jays? If you’re going to be a bird, be a bird of prey. These are a disgrace to their dinosaur ancestors.
4. Boston Red Sox – 108 Power Points
Twelve years ago, the Red Sox won their first World Series in more than 100 years, which meant their fans turned from “long-suffering” to “okay to hate”. So at least some good came of it.
5. Baltimore Orioles – 105 Power Points
This is pretty easily the most power points for a last-place team. But that still makes them a last-place team, and they have a stupid mascot too, with all the same problems as the blue jay.
American League Central
1. Kansas City Royals – 129 Power Points
I already covered what the Royals going to the World Series two years ago meant, so it would seem the world is going to remain a cold, unfeeling place. Really takes the pressure off!
2. Chicago White Sox – 127 Power Points
The White Sox made news this offseason when one of their players retired after being told he couldn’t have his kid hanging around the clubhouse every day. People sure had opinions about that!
T3. Detroit Tigers – 87 Power Points
Hasn’t the city of Detroit suffered enough? According to our science, no. They have to suffer through this team.
Current music: Eminem – “Lose Yourself (Mom’s Spaghetti remix)”
T3. Cleveland Indians – 87 Power Points
Here are the protagonists of Major League, the greatest sports movie of all time. With any luck, their former showgirl owner will be able to inspire them to inexplicably win the whole. Damn. Thing.
5. Minnesota Twins – 81 Power Points
I have to admit, sometimes I forget this team exists. But they were the protagonists in Little Big League I think?
American League West
1. Texas Rangers – 139 Power Points
I guess Chuck Norris isn’t done yet!
2. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim – 129 Power Points
You know, everyone always makes fun of their name being stupid because of the location shenanigans going on, but not enough people make fun of them for having their team nickname just being a translation of the city name. They are literally called “The Angels Angels”. “of Anaheim”.
3. Seattle Mariners – 106 Power Points
Mariners fans should just Seattle in for another mediocre season wait that joke is terrible.
4. Houston Astros – 99 Power Points
Wait, what the hell? This is the American League. When did this happen?
5. Oakland A’s – 87 Power Points
They were good when they had Brad Pitt running things. It must hurt to know he abandoned them to make World War Z, and the recently announced World War Z 2, which promises to be even “Z”ier.
The National League preview can be found here.
1. It’s the number of times last season a team’s batters were hit by a pitch plus the number of times their pitchers hit someone. The extremely sound theory behind this is that if you’re hit by a pitch, you get on base, and you increase your team’s chances of scoring, and thus of winning. Meanwhile, by hitting other players, your pitchers assert their dominance, like a dog that won’t stop humping your leg. ↩