Confederate compromises

The argument to take down the Confederate flag flying over the South Carolina capitol has spiraled out of control. Luckily for everyone, I’m here to solve all the problems once again.

The hallmark of a good compromise is said to be that it leaves no one happy. With that in mind, I have come up with the perfect compromise for all of the issues that have been raised.

ISSUE
The Confederate flag flying over the state capitol.

ARGUMENTS
Those in favor of the flag say that it represents an important part of the state’s history, when it seceded from the United States to help form the Confederate States. Many residents feel proud of that history and want it remembered.

Those against the flag say that it represents an ugly part of American history, when several states broke away in order to maintain their system of slavery. African Americans frequently see it as an offensive sign, and many say that it is used only to promote racism, pointing out that the flag was only put up over the capitol in 1962 during the height of the Civil Rights movement.

COMPROMISE
Fly this flag instead.

dont-tread-on-me-flagThis way they get to display a flag of a time when the state seceded from its former nation, but with the benefit of it being on the winning side this time. This wasn’t the national flag, but neither is the Confederate flag they were flying (it was the battle flag).


ISSUE
Many roads are still named after Confederate figures, such as Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, and Jefferson Davis.

ARGUMENTS
These arguments are mostly the same as the arguments about the flag: preserving history vs not promoting offensive history.

COMPROMISE
For all the roads currently named after Confederate figures, rename them to Peachtree Street. Let’s just go ahead and make navigating everywhere in the south as awful as it is in Atlanta. This will make absolutely nobody happy. The perfect compromise.


ISSUE
Many buildings are also named after Confederate figures.

ARGUMENTS
The arguments for this are the same as the roads.

COMPROMISE
First someone explain to me why we’re naming buildings after people. How about we do the sensible thing and auction off the naming rights? Make money, and companies get the advertising. It’s what sports teams do, and when have sports teams ever done anything wrong?


ISSUE
Stores, most notably Wal-Mart, have stopped selling products with the Confederate flag, and networks have stopped showing reruns of the Dukes of Hazzard, which prominently features a car with a large Confederate flag on it.

ARGUMENTS
Those who want the stores to still sell those products and networks to still air the show feel the prohibition is political correctness run amok, and that they should be free to buy whatever they want.

Because a house just isn't a home without a Confederate cow skull.

Because a house just isn’t a home without a Confederate cow skull.

Those who agree with the prohibitions feel the abundance of the products reflect a dated time and perpetuate the offensiveness of a time in our nation’s history we would be best served moving past.

COMPROMISE
Let capitalism run its course. There’s no government policy in place one way or the other. I’m not even sure who people are mad at. The companies for making a business decision they disagree with? The people who didn’t like the product but didn’t actually get the companies to pull them? The companies are just taking the action they feel is best for their bottom line, like companies always do. The products people want are still available in other places, and if they aren’t available in enough places to satisfy the demand, then there will be opportunity to open new stores and profit from it. So just let things do what they’re doing; it’ll all work itself out.

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