SCS Presents: GOT HAM, Part 2–The Thrilling Conclusion

Last time, on GOT HAM, the murder of the prominent Swine family shook the city. But detectives Gordon James and Marv Hamhock confronted a suspect, eventually killing him. When evidence linking the deceased suspect to the murders was found in his apartment, the case was closed, and James and Hamhock were hailed as heroes. But this is where the plot thickens, like a delicious honey glaze…

A strange young man pays a visit to two honest officers who are separate from the city police department. They are instead part of the MCU.

The Minority Cops Unit.

The Minority Cops Unit.

Oswald Cobblepork, who we have previously seen in the employ of minor crime boss Fish Money, tells the officers that he saw his boss with a pearl necklace shortly after a visit from Marv and Gordon. He then heard her discussing how to get that pearl necklace into Mario Pepper’s home. The implication is clear: the cops worked with the mob to frame a small-time crook for the murder of the century, then silenced him forever.

And in case the implication wasn’t clear enough, the female MCU officer goes to Gordon James’ fiancée’s fancy apartment to tell her exactly that. This scene provides a way for James to find out about the set up, and also to suggest the fiancée and the officer have a past. A potentially sexy past.

With that scene out of the way, James decides to investigate the potential framing on his own, and does the only thing he can.

He looks at shoes.

He looks at shoes.

With none of Mario Pepper’s shoes showing any traces of shine, James becomes concerned the frame is a distinct possibility. He takes these concerns to his partner, and Marv wants to hear none of it. Right now they are hero cops with a closed case, but he worries that if the news comes out that they killed an innocent man, they could lose their jobs.

This despite the fact that Pepper was advancing threateningly on a cop lying prone and defenseless on the ground, while wielding a knife, when Marv shot him. Gordon has shown himself to be quite acquainted with the law, but he doesn't point out the discrepancy to Hamhock, because of reasons.

This despite the fact that Pepper was advancing threateningly on a cop lying prone and defenseless on the ground, while wielding a knife, when Marv shot him. Gordon has shown himself to be quite acquainted with the law, but he doesn’t point out the discrepancy to Hamhock, because of reasons.

Undeterred, James decides to pay a visit to Fish Money, basically confronting her with his total lack of evidence. This does not go well for him, as Fish winds up knocking him out.

And everyone in the audience wishes she screamed "WELCOME TO ERF!"

And everyone in the audience wishes she screamed “WELCOME TO ERF!”

It does not go well for James at all.

To be surrounded by all that ham and be unable to get any, truly things did not go well for him.

To be surrounded by all that ham and be unable to get any, truly things did not go well for him.

Marv, having been around the block a few times, figures out what’s going on and shows up to rescue his partner.

He is still the part of this show by far.

He is still the part of this show by far.

This does not go well for him.

For one thing, he lost his hat.

For one thing, he lost his hat.

This does not go well for him at all.

It's nice the Gimp has found more work.

It’s nice the Gimp has found more work.

But just when things seem at their bleakest, the cavalry arrives.

And the cavalry is Fish’s boss, the major crime boss in the city, Don Porcine. And his men kill all but one of Fish’s men. Then they free James and Hamhock.

Rawls took a dark turn.

Rawls took a dark turn.

Don Porcine tells the young detective that he and Gordon’s father (who was the city’s DA back in the day) respected each other and had a sort of friendship, which is why he saved the cops’ lives. He also admits the necklace was a plant, but it was a replica, and he doesn’t know who killed the Swines. He just wanted the case closed so the people would feel safe enough for his organized crime empire to continue to flourish.

Marv and Gordon leave, but Marv takes them on a detour to the docks. Fish, it turns out, has discovered who squealed on her, realizing Cobblepork was the only one who saw her with the necklace. This does not go well for him.

Fish knocks him right out too, and the audience nods approvingly at the irony of Fish making a meal out of the Penguin.

Marv admits his part in the planted necklace, and tells Gordon that he needs to show the mob that he’s willing to play ball–he has to kill Cobblepork. Gordon, being the only honest cop in the force, isn’t keen on the idea, but Hamhock lays down some pretty salient points:

  1. If he doesn’t kill Cobblepork, Hamhock has orders to kill the both of them.
  2. If Hamhock doesn’t do this, the mob will kill all three of them, and probably James’ fiancée as well.
  3. Ipso facto, the fewer people killed at the dock, the more people killed by the mob later, so might as well kill the guy nobody likes anyway.

Gordon gets the point, and walks Cobblepork to the end of the dock. Gordon appears ready to betray all he believes in.

But if you're going to murder someone, might as well give them a nice waterfront view.

But if you’re going to murder someone, might as well give them a nice waterfront view.

But of course, that’s ridiculous. Cobblepork is part of a much larger franchise, and Gordon is the only honest cop in the city. All dramatic tension is thereby drained from the scene, because God knows an audience doesn’t want dramatic tension at the conclusion of an episode of a TV show.

Or maybe Gordon is just a terrible shot. Just the worst. His eyes are closed! Sign him up to be a storm trooper.

Or maybe Gordon is just a terrible shot. Just the worst. His eyes are closed! Sign him up to be a storm trooper.

Now we go to our first denouement. It’s been literally several minutes since we checked in on young Bruce Swine, so Gordon goes to see him. He confesses–to an 8 year old–that the man they killed and said was his parents’ killer was in fact not his parents’ killer. That instead there was a frame job orchestrated by the police and the mob, and the man killed was innocent (which, again, is very debatable), and so the real killer is out on the loose. He then puts his badge on the table and says his future is in Bruce’s hands.

Because this is what you do to an 8 year old who is still mourning the loss of his family.

Because this is what you do to an 8 year old who is still mourning the loss of his family.

Bruce says, no, go ahead, only adult in this city that I trust, and keep working hard. Then Gordon tells him he can’t tell anyone about what they talked about here, because he is TERRIBLE with children.

Then Gordon leaves. Job well done.

That brings us to our second denouement. We already know Cobblepork isn’t dead, because we saw Gordon miss him from point-blank range, and then Cobblepork swimming away. However, we show him dramatically (and you will know it’s dramatic because it will be in slow motion) surface from the river THREE times (in slow motion, each time).

Then, for the hell of it, let’s focus on a man fishing in the ridiculously polluted river, while Cobblepork stumbles out of the river.

Maybe he's just fishing sweet hats out of the river.

Maybe he’s just fishing sweet hats out of the river.

Of course, the old fisherman brought his lunch with him: a ham sandwich. That does not end well for him.

He spills his hot sauce everywhere.

He spills his hot sauce everywhere.

It does not end well for him at all.

It's a good idea never to leave your ham sandwich unprotected, except when its protection turns into your murder weapon.

It’s a good idea never to leave your ham sandwich unprotected, except when its protection turns into your murder weapon.

Cobblepork gets his reward.

Everything that happened was building to this, and only this.

Everything that happened was building to this, and only this.

Yes, the Penguin is the one who finally… Got Ham.

Fin.

Fin.

Advertisements

Improve this nonsense by leaving a comment of your own

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s