Reading and ‘Riting and Retrograde Military Equipment…

It’s no secret that going to school is a dangerous propositions these days.

Rampant bullying, school shootings, and John Green books show just how bad things have gotten. It’s clearly not safe to attend school, especially for teachers and administrators.

Luckily, there someone looking out for our embattled schools: the military.You see, sometimes when the military has some gently used equipment they’re ready to replace, rather than scrap it or sell it to whoever our allies in the Middle East are this week, the military will donate it to needy schools.

It’s like a supplies drive, but with instruments of death!

That armored transport vehicle–also known in layman’s terms as “holy crap that thing’s bigger than a tank!”–was once used to move marines around Iraq. Now it has been generously handed over to the Los Angeles Unified School District, presumably to move teachers around in a much more hostile environment.

The LAUSD is one of at least 22 school districts in at least 8 states that receive such gifts for our armed forces.

School district police chief Steve Zipperman understands that with great power comes great responsibility, so he has tried to answer critics about when his force would need to use such a machine.

“For us? That vehicle would be used for extraordinary circumstances.”

I like the inclusion of “For us?” It seems to indicate other school districts might use it in far more ordinary circumstances. “I don’t know about those other guys. But we aren’t going to be jerks about this. You can trust us.”

So what would count as extraordinary circumstances?

*Besides* a zombie apocalypse.

*Besides* a zombie apocalypse.

Look, that’s an inconvenient question. The more important thing, in Zipperman’s eyes, is what the A*Team’s wet dream machine can be used for: “It’s something that we believe is a life-saving vehicle.”

There are still questions about what situations would put lives at risk that would necessitate the vehicle, because this country is run by problem-finders and not problem-solvers.

Luckily, there does already exist something which could put lives in the LAUSD in danger the vehicle would be perfect for combating: the LAUSD’s grenade launchers.

Yes, the military also thoughtfully and selflessly donated grenade launchers to the school district as well. Presumably they will also be used in life-saving situations.

For instance, if a godzilla attacks.

For instance, in a godzilla-attack situation.


But with repeated cries that Los Angeles is not Fallujah[1], Zipperman gave in on this one, saying the grenade launchers would be disposed of.

And so one more weapon that could be used to keep our schools safe is needlessly eradicated by our hippie nanny state, before it had a chance to show what it could do. The grenade launchers were a gift from some time after 9/11, though no specifics were given, which means the school district has had up to 13 years to use them irresponsibly, and they haven’t! You may say that means they are unnecessary; I say that means they are in good hands.

The next time you lament that our education standards are slipping and our schools are more dangerous than ever, just remember that tools are being taken out of school districts’ hands, for no good reason other than they can blow everything up.

The only thing left to do is get school districts to be legally considered as individuals, so we can grant them the Second Amendment rights they so desperately need.

1. Yet.

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