Russia’s invasion plans go farther than we thought

Russia’s recent and ongoing interference in Ukraine has raised many difficult questions, such as what are their goals, what should the US do about it, and where actually is Ukraine?[1]

Now we’re getting our first indications the whole thing was just a scheme to restart and win the space race.

Russia’s real invasion plan is for the moon.

Less than two weeks ago, Russia celebrated Cosmonaut Day, which celebrates the anniversary of Yuri Gargarin becoming the first human to travel to outer space.

Deputy premier Dmitry Rogozin, who heads the country’s space and defense industries, also took this opportunity to announce plans to return to the moon, and more than that, saying “We are coming to the moon forever.”

Here’s a clip from his press conference talking about it.

Russia intends to launch three lunar spacecraft by the end of the decade, two going to the surface and one remaining in orbit. By 2040, the Russkies plan to have a lunar base so they can have long-term missions there, and essentially control Earth’s largest–and only natural–satellite.

I hope I don’t need to tell you how dangerous it would be to let these nefarious Russians turn the moon into their comrade. By gaining control of it, they would have control of our tides. They would have a base in one of the most common supervillain lairs in history.[2] They will have access to any and all resources the moon has to offer, which could include water, minerals, and cheeses necessary for other space exploration. They would essentially control all of space.

The moon makes a good launching pad to other celestial bodies, including asteroids and Mars. The weakened gravity and lack of atmosphere mean to launch space ships from there, you really just need like a really big sling shot.[3] And Russia does intend to continue to other destinations once it colonizes the moon. The Red Menace is spreading again.

America can’t let this happen! We won the space race before,[4] and we must hold our advantage.

We put *our* flag on its surface, which means it's *our* territory, which means we need to defend it from Russian invasion!

We put *our* flag on its surface, which means it’s *our* territory, which means we need to defend it from Russian invasion!

Right now, though, we are at a bit of a disadvantage in the upcoming Lunar Wars. The US scrapped its space shuttle program in 2011 and has been cutting funding to NASA for years. In order to get astronauts to the space station, we have actually been paying Russia to take us up there.

That’s right, we’ve been funding the Russian space program that now wants to invade our land.

Not only that, but due to sanctions caused by the standoff in Ukraine, that avenue is shut off. They are refusing to do so. Now you can see the genius of the Ukraine incursion–our response has opened up a free path for Russia to take over. We don’t have any current method of sending our astro-troops into space to stop the communist invasion of the heavens.

That leaves us with few options. Ramping up our space program again still leaves us behind in the race, meaning we may have already lost. We do still have missiles and rockets capable of making it to space (we do have a rover on Mars, after all), but that wouldn’t be enough to win a war on the moon. Trying to blast Russian space ships down as they take off would be difficult to achieve and start a massive war right here on Earth, which could wind up destroying everything.

Our only option left may be to just blow up the moon altogether.

Look, we all love the moon. The way it lights up the night, the way the tides helped life evolve on land, the way it keeps werewolves from showing up more than once every 29 days. But “better dead than red” was a popular sentiment for a reason,[5] and there’s no reason it shouldn’t also apply to the moon. We’ll miss you, moon, but just know you’re dying to defeat the Russians, and there can be no more glorious death than that.

Plus it'll look totally badass, and I want to see that.

Plus it’ll look totally badass, and I want to see that.

1. Somewhere near the country of Africa?
2. And they must already have volcano lairs. This is Russia we’re talking about.
3. NOTE: I am not a scientist.
4. Under certain definitions of “won”.
5. It rhymes, so you know it’s true.

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