The cat’s out of the bag, history

Western culture has long had a habit of downplaying the achievements of other civilizations, with only recent times reversing the trend.

Arabs were advanced beyond their European peers, with the Europeans only catching up when trade opened up between them. Asians, particularly the Chinese, had an incredible culture and sophisticated devices. Both were neglected in the history books.

Now researchers at the University of Pennsylvania have discovered another advanced culture that was buried by the Europeans: cats.

It turns out cats were even more incredible than we ever gave them credit for.

Fair enough, some people always realized they were incredible.

To be fair, some people always realized they were incredible.

I hope you enjoyed that picture, because the rest of the ones in this article are going to explode your brain.

The researchers uncovered illustrations from around 500 years ago, when the technological evolution of the cats reached a point we still have not duplicated to this day.

You see it, right? Imminent take off?

You see it, right? Imminent take off?

Yes! Cats invented rocket packs!

So majestic!

Rocket cat, burning out his fuse up there alone.

This was a biological necessity of course, as birds had long been able to take to the air to get away from the cats hunting them. The cats needed a way to level the playing field, and they found a way to take to the sky.

Also, rocket packs are just bad ass. Those cats had style.

But survival of the fittest meant that an arms race developed.

An arms race between animals without any arms.

An arms race between animals without arms.

While the researchers were at first perplexed by the images you’ve seen–even though the answers are SO OBVIOUS–eventually they made a startling breakthrough.

This breakthrough came when they translated the writing that was around the pictures. You’d think that would have been the first thing they did, but it must have been difficult to figure out the ancient runes, disguised as they were as German words.

Just like they did with fireworks, Europeans took this delightful invention and decided to turn it into a weapon. They came up with plans to use the birds and cats equipped with rocket packs and use them in siege warfare, scaring them so they would run and hide, where the rocket pack would start a fire in an enemy’s land.

The manuscripts say nothing about what happened after these plans were hatched, but luckily I am an expert at speculation.

Clearly the birds and cats reached an agreement to both stop using rocket packs for the good of the land. And thus an amazing technology was lost because the Germans wanted to go to war with it.

Farewell, sweet rocket cats. You were too beautiful for this world.

And it seems to me you live your life, like a rocket in the wind...

And it seems to me you lived your life, like a rocket in the wind…

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