The Sochi Olympics version would involve bears

High schools often host prom after-parties to try to give teens something to do besides what the popular kids are going to do. The problem, of course, is that those events cost money, so the schools hold fundraisers.

That’s the case for Brunswick High School in Ohio, but now they’re in hot water for how they’re trying to raise money.

Angry parents, residents, and groups have been planning protests in response to the school’s scheduled event of donkey ball.

It's just what you imagined.

It’s what you imagined.

While the protestors claim this constitutes animal cruelty, those in favor of it say the donkeys are treated in a humane manner. This “sport” of people playing basketball while riding donkeys also has a rich history in Ohio, which is probably why the animals are being provided by a company called Buckeye Donkey Ball.

Suddenly every fake company name you ever came up with has been rendered obsolete, knowing as you do now that Buckeye Donkey Ball exists.

Buckeye Donkey Ball–a company that exists to supply donkeys for donkey basketball events, because there was a hole in the market crying out for it–says the animals are not mistreated in any way. But the activists claim videos of these events clearly show depressed animals, walking with their heads bent and their tails tucked as men large enough for their feet to reach the floor ride them, all under bright lights and before loud crowds.

Yes, there are videos.

Do they keep stats for donkey ball? If so, is it just for the people or for the donkeys also? Are there all star teams? Do the best-performing donkeys get bonuses, like extra carrots or something? Are there advanced stats people keep? These are all things I wonder.

The protestors also wonder what this teaches the children. By showing them adults struggling to control notoriously stubborn creatures while also being bad at basketball, children might be learning something bad. Like that adults are lame, I guess.

This is how the news article frames the question. Read it again. Savor it.

This is how the news article frames the question. Read it again. Savor it.

I suppose the protestors are worried that the kids are going to see the donkeys being ridden and then think it’s okay to abuse animals. I wonder how many of these kids are being raised vegetarian, or if it’s only abuse if the animals are seen alive. I’m pretty sure slaughtering cattle for their delicious flesh is more abuse than riding donkeys.

Or combining the two issues.

Not to mention the places that combine the two.

The school seems to be having trouble responding properly to these accusations though. They’re focusing on the wrong things, saying things like “we’ve been assured it’s humane” and, probably, “it’s just donkeys being ridden, like they have forever, why are people making such a big deal about it?”

They instead need to focus on what the event is all about: raising money for the after-prom party. They’re trying to stop kids from going out and being reckless and irresponsible, engaging in underage drinking and potentially even having sex. What do you think parents are going to care about more, the well being of donkeys being ridden for a basketball game, or their teenagers engaging in sexual intercourse?

Focus, Brunswick School District. Stop talking about the event and start talking about broader issues. Come up with a catchy slogan, something like “Donkey Ball, Not Donkey Punches.”

Or, and it is likely too late for this for this year, but come up with a happy compromise that gives everyone what they want to see: teach the donkeys to play basketball. You can still have your donkey ball, but your fat school administrators no longer ride them. Everyone wins!

Except for the donkeys still.

But let’s give Ohio credit. When they faced the question of how to prevent their teens from having sex after prom, the answer they came up with was donkey ball, which now enjoys a long and storied tradition.

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