The War on Germs

Ever since the germ theory of illness was confirmed, man has been trying to eradicate the pesky buggers. One of the ways us common folk have tried to fight germs is through the use of antibacterial soap.

Science for years has tried to take this weapon out of the plebe’s hands by saying it creates superbacteria that are resistant to the antibacterial properties. They also say it kills the good germs that live on our skin, making room for bad germs, and that it is no more effective than regular soap and water. They even have the audacity to claim that it doesn’t prevent people from getting sick, since most illnesses are caused by viruses (virii?), which antibacterial soaps don’t affect.

That hasn’t been working. About half all liquid and bar soaps sold in the United States have some sort of germicidal agent. The most common chemical dedicated to killing germs in soaps is triclosan, and Big Science has latched onto that in their latest attack on those outside their ivory tower.

Scientists are now claiming triclosan, which has been used for years in hospitals, can cause a number of problems when used regularly, including issues with the immune system (including increased allergies) and the regulation of hormones. Their fear-mongering has caused the FDA to issue an ultimatum to the makers of soaps with triclosan: they have to prove triclosan is useful and not harmful, or they will have to stop producing them and pull them off the shelves. This overreach of government powers has a deadline of 2017 (which is basically “immediately” in government speak).

That gives the soap manufacturers just 3 years to create their best germ-killing graphics yet.

That gives the soap manufacturers just 3 years to create their best germ-killing graphics yet.

The goal is clear. Scientists don’t want us killing germs because it will put so many of them out of a job. Doctors will have fewer patients to treat, researchers will have fewer opportunities and so fewer grants, and with better health the rest of us will be on a more even level with those white-coated pretentious jerks. They will stop at nothing to keep that from happening, even attacking the virtuous companies who are trying to save us. So we must act quickly and kill the germs at their source.

At first you might think I’m asking for the impossible. Germs have been around forever and are everywhere, and none of our attempts have been anywhere close to successful at eradicating them completely.

But that is relying on the scientists who are out to stop us from killing the germs. In fact, finding the source of germs is so simple. We need to find a place that is efficient at killing people, spreads itself throughout the world, and shows no emotions, just like germs. When you look at it like that, you realize it’s been right under our noses this whole time.

It was right in the name!

It was right in the name!

Decades ago, we had a chance to wipe out germs forever, but we didn’t. Instead, we imported a large number of their (germ-infected, no doubt) scientists into our ranks. Scientists who are now saying we shouldn’t use germ-killing soaps. It all adds up too well.

It all comes down to this: either we destroy Germany before the 2017 deadline, or we all get, like, really bad colds. I think the choice is clear.

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