Happy Hunting

Recently, outrage spread quickly when news came out that the Dallas Safari Club tried to raise money to save the endangered black rhino by auctioning off a hunting permit to kill an endangered black rhino. The winning bidder paid $350,000 for the right to take the kill shot.

Now that winner’s name has become public, and he says he’s had to hire round-the-clock security due to the number of death threats he’s received as a result of his bid.

Luckily, I’ve come up with a solution that should make everyone happy.

Corey Knowlton is a north Texan who leads international hunting expeditions, and his lust for the hunt was well known enough that the Dallas Safari Club contacted him before the auction to see if he would be bidding. This was done to make sure he would bid; threats had already been made to the Club prior to the start of the auction, as word of it had spread and quickly created a large opposition group whose main argument was that to save endangered animals, you shouldn’t kill them.

Knowlton says he’s an avid hunter who just wants to experience the hunt of a black rhino, and he was assured the money would go to conservation efforts. The Dallas Safari Club says the rhino to be hunted is an older, non-breeding male who has become aggressive and marked for removal from its sanctuary as a result. Now it will just be removed with extreme prejudice.

It’s easy to see both sides of this argument. The concept of saving a group of animals by killing one seems asinine and counter productive. However, to vilify Knowlton and the Dallas Safari Club is to vilify capitalism itself. Money–good money–was paid in order to make this happen, and the people in charge of the rhino have given them the go ahead. Further, those making death threats are essentially forming a violent mob, which is antithetical to the American ideal. Vigilantism should be left to Batman, and he doesn’t kill.

So how do we find a solution? Simple: we combine both sides.

That’s why I’m proud to offer a hunting permit of Corey Knowlton. We’ll run this similar to how the Dallas Safari Club ran theirs: we’re having a silent auction. All proceeds will go to The Human Fund, providing money for people. This auction will solve the problem of mob justice being employed, as it will provide a license for one person to use in an organized manner. It will focus only on Corey Knowlton (apparently some of the death threats involve his children, who are innocent in all this), who is aggressive, which being an avid hunter shows, and at 35 is past his prime breeding years. It brings capitalism to the fore, which is what America is all about. It will focus on a non-endangered species (man) over an endangered one. It will also help preserve an endangered species by eliminating a threat to one. It satisfies all of the requirements laid out by the Dallas Safari Club for their permit while placating the masses that don’t want Knowlton to hunt the rhino.

So get your bids in over the next two weeks. The winning bid will receive their certified Soft Core Sophistry Corey Knowlton Hunting Permit either by mail or electronically, however the winner requests it.

huntingpermitGood luck, and happy hunting!

Ed. note: This certificate is not recognized by the United States of America, and we would probably struggle to get it recognized by any country, even those sketchy ones. We are not actually giving you permission to kill anyone. I feel like I shouldn’t have to say this.

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2 thoughts on “Happy Hunting

  1. Dear Softcore Sophistry,
    I fear you overestimate the IQ of the population and could be in big trouble for your satire. What if someone thinks you are giving permission for the hunt of a human? What if they do not get satire? Please reconsider or go write for a major company on TV with lots of insurance.
    signed, worrier

    Like

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