Happy New Year’s from everyone here at Soft-Core Sophist! [Ed. note: Hi! SCS’s regular editor is on vacation for the holiday, so they brought me on a temporary basis and allowed me to provide my comments.]
Chances are that as part of the new year, you made some resolutions. Chances are, those resolutions are terrible. You’ve probably already given up on most of them, or decided you’ll actually start it tomorrow, which is pretty much the same as giving up on it.
So let’s work on making new resolutions. Resolutions to make you better. Not some vague nonsense like “exercise more” or “join a gym” which require long commitments you’ll never keep as you fall into your familiar ruts. Let’s eliminate the fears you have.
Afraid of snakes? Don’t try to overcome it. Devour it. Literally. Eat some rattlesnake. They’ve got the venom, but you’ve got the bite. [Ed. note: I hear it’s tasty!]Afraid of asking out that girl you like? Devour her, too. [Ed. note: There are a couple of different readings for this. We do not condone any of them without consent, and do not condone cannibalism even with it. Also, maybe learn to value the friendship you might have?]
Afraid of dying alone? Embrace it. Become a complete shut-in for the year. Don’t leave your home and don’t interact with anyone. Order delivery and leave the payment taped your door, along with a note telling the food jockey to leave it there. Grab it when no one is looking. Or go out and hunt your food. Most other things can be done online now. Forget humanity.
[Ed. note: Please don’t quit your job because of us. You could just talk to people more instead. Be friendly and don’t be afraid to go to new places.]
Afraid immigrants are going to take over the country? Beat them at their own game. Sneak into a new country and live there, taking their jobs, suckling off their government’s teat. Ignore their customs and native languages. [Ed. note: We don’t suggest breaking the law, in this or any country.]
Stressed out about your financial problems? Forget ’em. Literally. Don’t look at your bank account, don’t open your bills, don’t acknowledge them at all. They only have power if you give it to them, like Freddy Krueger in the original Nightmare on Elm Street, so take back the power. Live the life you want, worry free. [Ed. note: Sweet Jesus, no!]
Afraid you watch too much TV, and bad TV at that? Give in to it. Spend all your free time watching TV. Is there a Toddlers & Tiaras marathon on? Watch every last minute. [Ed note: This isn’t recommended to anyone, ever.] Give up on sleep to catch up on those infomercials. Someone has to watch those Low Winter Sun reruns, so might as well make it you. [Ed. note: No one actually has to watch that.] See everything TV has to offer, and you’ll eventually get over it, with no withdrawals.
Speaking of which, afraid of your addiction and think you need to quit but don’t have the strength to do it? Joining a support group or going to rehab has a high failure rate, and if you already see yourself as a failure, you’re going to fail. Take charge of your addiction by taking it over. Overdo it. [Ed. note: No!] Do more than you’ve ever done before. [Ed. note: Don’t do this!] If you think you’ve done enough, do some more. [Ed. note: This is a terrible idea and could very well kill you.] Drinking, drugs, Candy Crush, whatever. Make it your entire life, until you can’t stand it anymore and the very thought of it makes you nauseated, like parents who force their kid they caught smoking to light up an entire pack of cigarettes. [Ed. note: I cannot stress enough how much you should ignore this entire paragraph. Support groups and rehab centers have helped so many people. Give them a chance.]
[Ed. note: These terrible resolutions actually went on for many more paragraphs, but I’m doing what I should have done a while ago and cutting him off. You can’t learn to fly that way! Don’t eat poison! Is anyone really afraid of confetti? Ignore the advice in this article and you will have a much happier new year.]