The Winter of My Discontent

As you may recall, my first run-in with snow left me a bit out of sorts. That was just a prelude though, as things recently got much more severe.

Last week, the temperatures plummeted and we had a day of non-stop snow. Unlike the first snowfall, this time it never got back above freezing until this past Tuesday, so the snow is still sticking around. Two days in a row I woke up to temperatures of -9 degrees. That’s not a wind chill; that’s the temperature straight up. It raises a lot of questions, such as why people ever settled in climates like this, what sort of supposedly kind and loving God would allow for weather like this, and how do you have negative degrees? Do you owe degrees to someone? Like, Satan? I imagine he has a lot of extra degrees because of the hellfire and whatnot.

And now it's time to collect.

And now it’s time to collect.

However, I have realized that I can get through this. Oh, not due to this experience. I got through this miserable stretch of existence by staying in my apartment the whole time with the heat cranked high. And I still got sick. No, my experience has only taught me that it’s stupid for people to live in these climates. Winter apparently happens every year here!

I realized I can get through this because I remembered one very important fact: there are no federal laws against flamethrowers in the United States. California makes possession of one a misdemeanor, and that’s the only reference to it being a state crime in the admittedly lackadaisical research I did, so I’m just going to assume they’re legal here in Colorado. And even if it’s a crime, come on. I’m fighting the winter menace. Would a court really convict me?

So yes, fighting cold, snow, and ice is now not a threat but an opportunity to be awesome. If you read my previous article on snow, you may remember I anticipated the winter leaving me looking like this:

Jack Torrance had trouble with winter too.

Artist’s rendering of me in winter.

Now that image can be updated with this new information:

Updated artist's rendering of me in winter. Look how happy!

Updated artist’s rendering of me in winter. Look how happy!

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